Top 10 Bizarre Reasons You are a Classical Music Elitist

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How do you know if you or someone you know is a classical music elitist? Read on to find out! Someone you love might just have a serious classical music elitism!

1. You are a classical music elitist if you own boxes of classical music albums that you never play.

How can you get rid of these recordings? Really? Such beautiful music going to waste? You don't care that you no longer have walking room in your house. What matters is that you have that one prized Mozart recording from 1943 that you will cherish forever. (Now if you could only find a record player!)

2. You are a classical music elitist if you can't wait for the latest release of Tchaikovsky's Symphony #6 to add to your other 105 Symphony #6 mp3s.

You can never have enough classical music. Multiple copies of Beethoven, Mozart, Strauss, Stravinsky, Tchaikovsky, and the rest of them is absolutely necessary to feed your classical music frenzy. Who cares if the orchestra is mediocre and there is a person coughing through the coda? You have to have your music!

3. You are a classical music elitist if you have ever argued that Phantom of the Opera is not an opera.

Phantom of the Opera is obviously a musical, Why? Well, for one thing it was composed by Andrew Lloyd Webber. Nuff said.

4. You know you are a classical music elitist if you glare at anyone that dares to clap between movements.

What is a movement? It is a smaller section of a musical work. Often there is a pause between movements. This is the time that unknowing concertgoers unwittingly clap their hands, receiving an evil glare from the wiser patrons.

5. You are a classical music elitist if you know the difference between classical music and Classical Era music.

Admit it. You know that classical music is a general inaccurate term used to describe all Western art music while music from the Classical Era is anything written around 1750-1820. In fact, you turn up your nose every time someone refers to Bach or Stravinsky as a great classical composer. Doesn't everyone know the Bach lived in the Baroque Era and Stravinsky lived in the twentieth century? Classical composers? Whatever!

6. You are a classical music elitist if you know that a percussionist is another name for a drummer.

As a percussionist, I know that most normal folks understand what I do when I say that I am a drummer. When I say that I am a percussionist, I get smiles and blank stares, unless I am with my fellow classical musicians.

7. Your are a classical music elitist if you think anyone who watches Amadeus is an ignoramus.

Though Amadeus is a wonderful film, you know that Salieri could have never poisoned Mozart for a job! He was already unemployed by then and the position had been obliterated. Duh!

8. You are a classical music elitist if you know what the k. stands for in Mozart's works.

Yep, if you know that the k. stands for the Kochel Catalogue number.

9. You are a classical music elitist if you hate New Age and Relaxation Music.

You might have a secret stash of Yanni at the Acropolis hidden in your dresser drawer, but you will never admit that someone who is "untrained" can even attempt to sing or perform classical music. Besides, everyone knows that Yanni can't read music. What kind of classical musician can't read music? Yanni and a host of others have no right making tons of money while educated conservatory musicians work at Burger King. "Want fries with that symphony?"

10. You are a classical music elitist if you snicker whenever someone says their favorite composer is Mozart.

If anyone asked for your favorite composer, you would easily throw out names like Schoenberg, Ives, Puccini, Higdon, or Penderecki. "Mozart" is simply a default answer for anyone who obviously does not know music like you do.

BONUS: You are a classical music elitist if you know that 4'33" is not a measurement.

Ah, John Cage's beautiful 4'33" is a wonderful work of pure silence. Yes, silence. No performing (except for a lone pianist sitting quietly on a bench) and no real music, just pure sound. If you know about 4'33", then you have achieved the highest order of classical music elitism! Get help, FAST!


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